Untitled

If I were a peach
I'd hang from a tree.
Low to the ground
To where the children can barely reach.
Turning my breast
Towards the sun.
Ripened and softened,
I become.

"Sun"days are Good days

Every since I was 7 I planned on becoming a teacher. I had it all planned out:
1. Go to college right after high school.
2. 4 years later- Graduate.
3. Get a job teach Elementary grade (preferably 2nd or 3rd).
4. By 25-26 years old I wanted to be married and having children shortly after.

Well, I'm 19 years old, I've been graduated for over a year now and still no college yet. This time last year I knew my plan was thrown out. I moved out of my parents house early during senior year, after I turned 18, but before I graduated. And, when you don't have scholarships or family money to help, it's unlikely you'll be going to college right away, either. So, I opted out for a little while. I'm not deterred at all, just taking my time.

Between the time I graduated and now I've noticed my mind changing about what I want to do as a career. If you've read my previous posts or know me at all you know that I am terrified of the unknown. I've always thought I was going to be a teacher, it's what I've felt is planned for me. But, now? Now I'm working for a fantastic company and I've been here for more than 6 months. Which means I am eligable to be transferred to where I want if I choose to move. As long as there is a Marriott there, I have a job! I have to say, Daniel and I have been seriously considering relocating within this next year, and to have a secure job that will essentially move with us is very relieving! I have no college experience, no previous hotel experience, and was only 18 when I got this job. Now I am considering keeping it, moving up on the ladder, maybe even managing a hotel. It's a good industry to be in, why not stay in? Make a career of it and make some good money while doing it! I love the people I meet that come through my hotel. There are some real neat people with exciting stories that walk through those front doors. As I mentioned above, I could very well make a permanent future with this company and they would take care of me, wherever I choose to go. I don't know if I will choose this as my career, but I do know that I'm going to stay with them for a while, if not a long while.

What I'm getting at is that I have no idea what I will be doing a year from now or where I will be 2 years from now. Yes, I like to know what to expect, but, really, why should I have every thing planned out? Let's just enjoy now. That's one of the hardest things for me to actually do. I suspect that many others suffer from this same disease. And, yes, I do consider it a disease to always need a plan. Yet, this girl right here will just freak if she doesn't. I'm sure my mind will be doing a lot of flip-flopping about a chosen career path. Now I know to expect that! Ha. In the meantime I will be learning to just enjoy where I am at now. Which is work, but I'm enjoying it! Haha. In case you can't tell I like to laugh at myself every now and then. I do think I can be funny...sometimes I'm the only one laughing, though..

It's quiet days like todays Sunday that let my anxiety fade for al ittle bit and soften my feelings of depression for a while.  it lets me reflect, clears my mind, and gives me the opportunity to feel the good things. Today I am OK with having little money, I'm OK with not getting the apartment, and I'm OK with the fact that my car is a one bump away from being undrivable. Well, at least until I look at my car again that is. I'm sure I'll just roll my eyes, breath a sigh of exhaustion, hop in and just drive home.

Alas, today, is a good day for Mylisha.

For Daniel

You know that point where you get so upset that you can't even cry? Oh. Maybe it's just me that cries when I'm super upset. So, you better believe that it was beyond that point. I am so mad, frustrated, let down, angry, flabbergasted, exhausted, and sick of getting my hopes up just to be let down. That's how my life seems to be going for what seems like forever. In all honesty, it's been going this way for at least the last 4 months. Every time I think Daniel and I are in the clear, things have leveled out some, and we can breath again NO! Something has happened to snatch what ever it is that has brought a smile to my face, right from my grasp. It's like trying to hold sand: You can't. I can't. We just cannot get a break.

I remember the day Daniel called me to tell me that his car had just died. We didn't know why. We didn't know how. We ended up selling it to our brother. Thankfully, we had my car still. Or so we thought. Just a couple of weeks later mine died as well. It got sold to our brother, too. Daniel's grandma is so very gracious. She helped us get a car. And, woah baby, what a car it is! We call her BLH, now. Bad. Luck. Honda. She's been hit probably about 7 times. Front, rear, AND side. We got a flat tire so we took the car in to get a new one. Leaving the Les Schwab parking lot we were rear-ended. A few weeks later we were stopped at the grocery store waiting for a parking spot, we must have been stopped for 2 minutes already when WHAM! A guy backs right into the passenger side of our car, yes I was in it. I was more flabbergasted by this point by the fact that we got hit AGAIN that angry that we got hit AGAIN. I know I am forgetting some incidents, but you get the picture, right? She's got a temper and she shows it, ladies and gentlemen!! Wanna guess how much it's going to cost to fix her? I'll tell you: $7,200. Yup. I'd rather they just total the piece of crap. It's caused me more headaches and arguments with Daniel that I need, nor want. Not to mention gas. There never seems enough of it.

They say there are three things couples fight about: Money, Family, and Sex. Daniel and I have an amazing relationship. Our turnaround after having a fight or an argument is about 15 minutes, if that. We never can stay mad at each other for too long because it's just painful. He's my best friend, I don't want to not talk to my best friend. He's my favorite person to talk to! But, when we do fight you can bet it will probably be about money. We both stress so much and want the other not to stress so we take it all upon ourselves to make sure they don't. The end result is as you can imagine: Us just stressing more. I admit, I'm horrible when I'm stressed. I'm difficult and I don't cooperate. I know this! But, I also can't help it. If I have nothing to stress about...well that never happens because I always find something to stress about. And, Money is a huge factor to my stress. It's another thing that there just never seems to be enough of, you know? I don't love money, I hate it. Loath it. Despise it! Unfortunately, we need it to survive.

There are some things I've learned while having so little money, like who and what really matter. Daniel really matters. My family really matter. Writing really matters. Words really matter. I've slept in my car for days at a time, knees huddled up to my chest, Daniels' hand in mine, my head on his chest. That's what matters most to me. Having the love of my life next to me, always. We are partners I keep telling him. I should really be telling myself. I don't act very partner-ish like when I'm stressed, angry, frustrated, hurt, sad, freaked-out, and I'm definitely not going to feel very partner-ish like when I am all of those! But, he works with me. He gets angry sometimes, which is completely understandable, but more often than not he tries to get me to work with him. He makes me smile by doing funny things. My favorite is when he pretends to be mad back at me, but uses his cute face and his cute voice. Now how can you resist that? What I'm getting at is that no matter how many times I have lashed out at Daniel he's always still right there. I'm all tight-lipped, arms crossed, legs crossed, starring straight ahead. Daniel just keeps nudging me with his elbow, each time making a grumpier and grumpier look on his face at me until I can't help but to laugh at his stubbornness.

And, that's when I know. I'd rather be sleeping, huddled in our car, no gas, -$270 in our bank account, expired tabs so we're being invisible to the coppers with you, Daniel, than with thousands of dollars surrounded by lots of friends but without you. I'm sorry for the times that I act crazy and get all wrapped up in what we "should" be doing, rather than being in love with what we are doing, together. I'm working on it, sweetheart. You're wonderful and we're great together: Spendy and His Lady. I love you, Nonnish.

How to Be Alone

My friend posted a video on Facebook the other week titled "How to be Alone". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs I honestly did not know what to expect when I clicked play, but what I got out of it was something worth millions. There are so many people alone these days, and if they are not alone, they feel alone. Sometimes being the one that feels always alone can be worse. If you were to ask me which one I am I'd say the second.

I've made some decisions in my life that I am not proud of. I've done some things that I should have done differently. In the process many people have gotten hurt, including myself. I have a twisted and jaded view of myself. On a logical level, I know that people love me and that I am surrounded by them. For some reason, on another level, my depression has taken over and tells me that I am alone and no one that is around me is worth counting on. Everyone will let me down. They always do. They always have. That's the way I see it. I used to think that I have low expectations, or even none at all! Because as someone has told me "Expectations lead to Resentments". So, I don't have them. Everyone will let you down if you do. What I've discovered is that I don't have low expectations; quite the opposite actually. I have very high expectations that everyone will let me down. Already everyone who encounters me is set up to fail. When they let me down it just furthers my belief and those thoughts. If it doesn't happen right away, I'll just wait it out, because they always do, eventually. Those thoughts that swim in my mind are constantly battling with the fact that when I've asked for help, there has been someone to help me. I wish I didn't think like this. I wish I didn't feel alone. I'm working on it. It helps having people around that care. And, are willing to stick around and show me that my thoughts are not right.

I've always been afraid of being alone. My parents divorced when I was 2 and then my father remarried just after. She raised me for 14 years, up until my father's second divorce. I've seen this disgusting "D" word happen all around me. Divorce is so common in America these days, just the thought of getting married terrifies me because I don't want to go down that path of Divorce. I don't want to get married just to have it end in Divorce. I've seen what it does to people. It turns them nasty and makes them say things that never should have crossed their minds. People of Divorce are not themselves, they transform into a mean person. I've seen it happen too often. 

Being alone is not such a bad thing. Yet, I don't want it. Not even in the slightest. I don't think anyone wants it. You're alone with your insecurities and your defenseless. Using work as a get away from what can be my emotional destruction is perfect. But, that's only for 8 hours. Then, I must face, at least for some time, what Life there is. I'd rather not. Waking up, realizing that I still feel this shitty and this alone, is the worst way to wake up. It's the first thing I feel every day. But, then I saw this video. And, it changed something. It changed how I thought about being alone. Don't get me wrong, I still am terrified of it. But, I am also learning to embrace it. As I write this Daniel (my boyfriend) is sleeping next to me. I'm ok with that. I like that it's quiet and I can think and write and feel my feelings. When no one is around is when I can break. It is a kind of comfort that lets me let go. So, why not further that? Use it as a comfort that helps me heal.

It's ok to be alone. You'll find it's comfort. It's willingness to let you break down and cry for hours, or to put on music and just dance! You'll find it with open ears to listen to talk about annoying people at work, or something as deep as not wanting to feel anything anymore. Don't think of it as suffocating you, think of it as warmly surrounding you. This video changed how I saw Alone. Alone does not really mean Alone. 

Her voice is soothing. Her words calming. I'll have to do more research onto who she is. But, now I share this with anyone who feels Alone. It's ok. You're not. And, if you truly believe that you are, this video might change that for you.

Who's on my side?

I just want to know who's on my side?
Starting to feel as if I'm alone on the opposite side of
this wall.
Jumping to try and see over
Running to try and find the end.

They never flock when I am in need.
Yet, as if I were holding bread out for the birds
They bury on top of me.
Only as soon as they see they will benefit.

I know they don't see what's really me.
It's all a show I present.

Slowly, they drift away from me.
Leaving in pairs or singularly.
Wasn't this all supposed to help?
It was for my own good they kept saying.

But, why do they smile as I fall down?

The Blinking Lights

I want to write something. I really do. I've just begun this crazy thing and already I feel as if I'm lying to myself when I don't write a post everyday. And, now I've gone 6 days without typing a single word to you (I imagine a lot of people do read this already). It really is like a public diary; it's so comforting. An awkward idea, I know, but it works for me. I feel you call my bluff and demand better of me. You force my thoughts out. You agonizingly push me forward to reaching my goal. Already, I thank you. I have two followers, my boyfriend and my mom, at this point. One day I hope to have hundreds, but it's not the number of followers that I first was afraid of. It's not about whether or not anyone will read this. My fear comes from the thought of actually working on myself.

I am afraid of the Unknown. I yearn for Stability, yet have a tangled romance when it comes to Change. I have an itch to do something different drastically every couple of years. Comes with the territory of being an Army Brat: You always move. So, now that this itch has arrived again I have been thinking about relocating. But, now it's completely different. I don't HAVE to move -living on my own has given me an option finally. And, it's not such an easy option, either. I get slightly terrified at thinking of moving away from what I am familiar with towards something I have no idea about. A secret excitement runs through me at the same time. How did I cure this itch? I cut my hair. Well, paid to have someone else cut it, rather. She just put it in a ponytail and SNIP! A foot of my hair fell to the floor! I absolutely love my new, short hair!

Fun fact about my room: I have Christmas lights hanging up. Yes, in my room I have hung Christmas lights around the crease where the ceiling and walls meet. One of my favorite things to do now is to watch the blinking lights blink. Only one string of lights out of the three blink. I like it better like that. It gives our room this whole mood lighting going on 24/7! These blinking lights give me a good feeling.

As a last note I'll leave you will this, a little something from my boy: "Radiohead is pretty much perfect." I agree.

Learning to love

"What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself." Hecato, Greek philosopher.

This quote means the world to me. It is the me I am working to be one day.

I don't like myself very much. Most days I don't notice the depression and hurting. Most days I can go without shedding a single tear. But, it's days like the one I had a couple of weeks ago that let me know how much I do feel. And, I feel A LOT. I have the tendency to bottle it all up, though. I don't let anyone in on this secret, and most often times I'm not even in on this secret. I fight myself so much that I'm not sure at times if there is anything left of me to defend myself from, well, myself. It's not easy in my head. There's some messed up shit that goes on up there. They say you're your own worst critic; that's never been more true with me. I know that I am not perfect, yet I still think that I should be. 

For a long time I never acknowledged the presence of my depression. I knew it was there, especially when it rears its ugly head, but mostly I'm really good at hiding and covering up. Through this blog, I am going to work on healing. I don't like myself. I don't love myself. But, I WANT to! I want to wake up and be happy, not wake up and pull the covers over my head because the sun is out. Granted not everyday is like that, but when it is, there's almost nothing that can pull me from my well. I've begun to write poetry again. I might put some up here one day, but not just yet. They are matured from what I used to write. They are also very full of feeling. It feels so good to be writing again! Writing in my journal is completely different from writing in this blog, yet I'm trying not to hold back. I'm so sick of everyone thinking I'm always happy. I'm not. I smile all the time. Sometimes I really wish I wasn't. I'm SO GOOD at showing everyone that everything is A-OKAY. That's what they want isn't it? When see someone you know and you ask "Hey, how are you?", you're not looking for them to pour out everything that has been going on, good and bad. You're looking for "Good, really good!". Simple, easy, everything's OK. So, why put all this out in the open, for everyone to read? Because I'm not hiding. I'm not putting up a show anymore. I've got a lot of hurt inside me, a lot of anger built up, but a lot of happiness as well. I want to show all of me. This is my way of letting down walls and finally becoming a friend to myself. 

It shocks me sometimes thinking about the fact that I do not love myself truly. It's something that I've never even considered as a possibility. To not love yourself? Well, that is so easy! Right? Wrong. So, wrong. It's not just something that happens. At least not for me. I have to learn to love myself. I want to learn to love myself, which is one of the most important steps. I want to be better. I want to feel better! And, I'm going to feel better! I'm stubborn. So, I won't stop pursuing this. I might need help. And, my pride might not let me ask for help. That's part of this whole process, as well. 

A couple weeks ago I had a break down. At work. I was not able to function. Everything that has been going wrong: Fighting with Daniel, all our car problems, money, work, lack of work, rain, etc., etc. It just seemed like EVERYTHING was going wrong, and finally I broke. I sat in the employee bathroom balling my eyes out for an hour. Thank God my co-workers are awesome! That Monday was the worst I had felt in such a long time. I felt all of my frustration, anger, and hurt bubbling towards the surface finally spilling out and running black rivers down my cheeks. I've often said that I wish I could drink. Just get totally smashed, numbing all the feelings that were there, and sinking into sweet, blissful ignorance. But, I just can't get past the taste enough to do it! Silly, I know. Just chug it, ignore the taste, and welcome the dizziness to come! And, yet, I still just can't!! Thankfully I'll never become an alcoholic. Ha! 

Many other thoughts were among those of getting drunk that day. I tried committing suicide my freshman year, obviously I was (thankfully!) unsuccessful. That was the year that I first noticed my depression. I have not tried, nor have I even contemplated suicide since that year. So, I can proudly say that on this Monday, not once did that thought enter my mind even then. I just kept repeating "I just don't want to feel anymore!" over and over through quiet sobs. I'm not a loud crier, either. More of a soft and silent type. Part of the whole Don't Call Attention To Yourself deal. 

Yeah, I know, there's a lot to me and how messed up I am. But, I'm working on it, and that's a really good start, right? I think so. So what if no one reads this blog? I'm not going to say I won't be hurt, but even right now, it feels good. I feel good. Just getting it out there, it's helping. As is this sun we're having today! Gorgeous!! 

I think this Spring is a special one. It holds a lot of promise of what is to come in my future, as well as lots of opportunities to see the beautiful things in everything. That's another I'm working on: Letting go, smiling, taking deep breaths, and as they say "Smelling the Roses".

"If you're early, you're on time. If you're on time, you're late!"

Today is my Friday. I have been working non-stop 7am-3pm at work. Every day. Since last Friday. Friday Morning, so that's basically like Thursday. This entails waking up, many times before the sun, really early and driving whilst still sleeping. Let's just say I have a lot of butt-kissing to do there.

I've been working at the hotel for almost 6 months now. At first I was my usual over-achiever self. I worked at 7am, I'm there by 6:30. There's nothing to do, there's always something to do! I would dust the counter, sanitize the key coders, alphabetize our Restaurant List! I know, I was either crazy or super bored. I was definitely crazy. And now? I'm definitely just bored. But, you see, I grew up with a father that was in the Army (Hooah!) and his motto about time was this: If you're early you're on time, if you're on time you're late. I am NEVER late to anything. If I feel like I am going to be late I get all anxious, I go silent and start chewing on my lips or nails. Basically everything will cease to exist except for the clock and what time it is at every second. It's disastrous, my mind thinks, whenever I look at the time and I am not 20 minutes early.
Well, I was having trouble waking up to my alarm clock in the morning and unfortunately was waking up late for work far too many times. The blaring beeping used to wake me up harshly, making me jolt out of a deep sleep. Lately though, I've been able to blissfully sleep right on through it. Not so blissful, my boss had a serious talk with me: If I'm late once more, I'm done for. Talk about pressure (even well-deserved pressure)! From that day, every morning, I have alarms going off every half hour starting at 4:30am. I shouldn't know that that hour even existed! You gotta do what you gotta do. And, right now? I've got A LOT of making up to do. So, I worked 6 days straight, always 20 minutes early, and did everything plus more everythings I could find to do. I'm getting my butt into gear!! But, I think I'll hit snooze a few more times before getting into gear. Always being on time for work, getting enough sleep, eating breakfast, watching gas usage, blah, blah, grown up stuff, grown up boring stuff.

I got my next week's schedule for work today. I expected it to look similar to this weeks: Morning Girl, all week long. Wrong! I'm on 3 days next week. Unacceptable! I guess more butt-kissing is in store. Damn. Maybe I should buy my manager coffee all week? She likes coffee..

My first post, for my first blog!

Here I am. My first blog. My first post.
I admit, I'm a little scared. Who wouldn't be?! So many worries have been floating through my mind these past few days as I tried to decide whether or not to take the jump and create this thing.

What will I write?
Will people actually want to read my blog?
My writing sucks!
Can I even keep up with a blog?

My decision came down to this:
Oh, yes I can!

To start it all off, let me tell you a little bit about myself:

Currently I am 19 years old. I have a really great job for a 19 year old with no college, nor any previous hotel experience. But, here I am, working at a wonderful, upper-scale hotel. There will be some stories to be told about all the people I encounter, believe me!
You'll want to hold on to you knickers, ladies, and tighten your suspenders, gentlemen! My family is the newest Brady Bunch. There's my dad, 3 moms, 2 older brothers, 2 older sisters, Myself, 1 younger brother, and 1 younger sister. Jordan, my youngest sister, is only 14 years old. My oldest brother, Sean Paul, is 24. Along with them come a handful of nieces and nephews. Most of which I've watched and helped take care of since birth. I love my family so fiercely; definitely will always defend them to anyone who tries to hurt us. Yet, we can be pretty damn good at hurting each other sometimes.
I live in Seattle and share a twin size bed with my adoring boyfriend, Daniel Spendlove. Yes, Spend as in spend money and Love as in to love people. It's so goofy, it's wonderful! The twin size bed was not by choice. I like to think of the silver lining as "This way we snuggle closer" rather than the fact that there is limited space and someone will always be squished against the wall. By this date, May 25, 2011, Daniel and I have been together for almost 1 year. We are so in love! Summer of 2010: I was graduating from high school and was engaged to another guy. He was a friends brother-in-law. We had coffee together, then a few days later I was no longer engaged. I wore sunglasses to hide the fact that I couldn't tear my eyes away from his and I still can't tear my eyes away. He's captured me.
These three things: Work, Family, Boyfriend pretty much sum up my life, recently. Working hard, keeping in contact with family, and loving my guy is just about all I need right now. Unless some kind, wonderful, sweet, RICH person would like to donate a large chunk of change!! I could use that right now, too! Who couldn't these days?