Every since I was 7 I planned on becoming a teacher. I had it all planned out:
1. Go to college right after high school.
2. 4 years later- Graduate.
3. Get a job teach Elementary grade (preferably 2nd or 3rd).
4. By 25-26 years old I wanted to be married and having children shortly after.
Well, I'm 19 years old, I've been graduated for over a year now and still no college yet. This time last year I knew my plan was thrown out. I moved out of my parents house early during senior year, after I turned 18, but before I graduated. And, when you don't have scholarships or family money to help, it's unlikely you'll be going to college right away, either. So, I opted out for a little while. I'm not deterred at all, just taking my time.
Between the time I graduated and now I've noticed my mind changing about what I want to do as a career. If you've read my previous posts or know me at all you know that I am terrified of the unknown. I've always thought I was going to be a teacher, it's what I've felt is planned for me. But, now? Now I'm working for a fantastic company and I've been here for more than 6 months. Which means I am eligable to be transferred to where I want if I choose to move. As long as there is a Marriott there, I have a job! I have to say, Daniel and I have been seriously considering relocating within this next year, and to have a secure job that will essentially move with us is very relieving! I have no college experience, no previous hotel experience, and was only 18 when I got this job. Now I am considering keeping it, moving up on the ladder, maybe even managing a hotel. It's a good industry to be in, why not stay in? Make a career of it and make some good money while doing it! I love the people I meet that come through my hotel. There are some real neat people with exciting stories that walk through those front doors. As I mentioned above, I could very well make a permanent future with this company and they would take care of me, wherever I choose to go. I don't know if I will choose this as my career, but I do know that I'm going to stay with them for a while, if not a long while.
What I'm getting at is that I have no idea what I will be doing a year from now or where I will be 2 years from now. Yes, I like to know what to expect, but, really, why should I have every thing planned out? Let's just enjoy now. That's one of the hardest things for me to actually do. I suspect that many others suffer from this same disease. And, yes, I do consider it a disease to always need a plan. Yet, this girl right here will just freak if she doesn't. I'm sure my mind will be doing a lot of flip-flopping about a chosen career path. Now I know to expect that! Ha. In the meantime I will be learning to just enjoy where I am at now. Which is work, but I'm enjoying it! Haha. In case you can't tell I like to laugh at myself every now and then. I do think I can be funny...sometimes I'm the only one laughing, though..
It's quiet days like todays Sunday that let my anxiety fade for al ittle bit and soften my feelings of depression for a while. it lets me reflect, clears my mind, and gives me the opportunity to feel the good things. Today I am OK with having little money, I'm OK with not getting the apartment, and I'm OK with the fact that my car is a one bump away from being undrivable. Well, at least until I look at my car again that is. I'm sure I'll just roll my eyes, breath a sigh of exhaustion, hop in and just drive home.
Alas, today, is a good day for Mylisha.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
For Daniel
You know that point where you get so upset that you can't even cry? Oh. Maybe it's just me that cries when I'm super upset. So, you better believe that it was beyond that point. I am so mad, frustrated, let down, angry, flabbergasted, exhausted, and sick of getting my hopes up just to be let down. That's how my life seems to be going for what seems like forever. In all honesty, it's been going this way for at least the last 4 months. Every time I think Daniel and I are in the clear, things have leveled out some, and we can breath again NO! Something has happened to snatch what ever it is that has brought a smile to my face, right from my grasp. It's like trying to hold sand: You can't. I can't. We just cannot get a break.
I remember the day Daniel called me to tell me that his car had just died. We didn't know why. We didn't know how. We ended up selling it to our brother. Thankfully, we had my car still. Or so we thought. Just a couple of weeks later mine died as well. It got sold to our brother, too. Daniel's grandma is so very gracious. She helped us get a car. And, woah baby, what a car it is! We call her BLH, now. Bad. Luck. Honda. She's been hit probably about 7 times. Front, rear, AND side. We got a flat tire so we took the car in to get a new one. Leaving the Les Schwab parking lot we were rear-ended. A few weeks later we were stopped at the grocery store waiting for a parking spot, we must have been stopped for 2 minutes already when WHAM! A guy backs right into the passenger side of our car, yes I was in it. I was more flabbergasted by this point by the fact that we got hit AGAIN that angry that we got hit AGAIN. I know I am forgetting some incidents, but you get the picture, right? She's got a temper and she shows it, ladies and gentlemen!! Wanna guess how much it's going to cost to fix her? I'll tell you: $7,200. Yup. I'd rather they just total the piece of crap. It's caused me more headaches and arguments with Daniel that I need, nor want. Not to mention gas. There never seems enough of it.
They say there are three things couples fight about: Money, Family, and Sex. Daniel and I have an amazing relationship. Our turnaround after having a fight or an argument is about 15 minutes, if that. We never can stay mad at each other for too long because it's just painful. He's my best friend, I don't want to not talk to my best friend. He's my favorite person to talk to! But, when we do fight you can bet it will probably be about money. We both stress so much and want the other not to stress so we take it all upon ourselves to make sure they don't. The end result is as you can imagine: Us just stressing more. I admit, I'm horrible when I'm stressed. I'm difficult and I don't cooperate. I know this! But, I also can't help it. If I have nothing to stress about...well that never happens because I always find something to stress about. And, Money is a huge factor to my stress. It's another thing that there just never seems to be enough of, you know? I don't love money, I hate it. Loath it. Despise it! Unfortunately, we need it to survive.
There are some things I've learned while having so little money, like who and what really matter. Daniel really matters. My family really matter. Writing really matters. Words really matter. I've slept in my car for days at a time, knees huddled up to my chest, Daniels' hand in mine, my head on his chest. That's what matters most to me. Having the love of my life next to me, always. We are partners I keep telling him. I should really be telling myself. I don't act very partner-ish like when I'm stressed, angry, frustrated, hurt, sad, freaked-out, and I'm definitely not going to feel very partner-ish like when I am all of those! But, he works with me. He gets angry sometimes, which is completely understandable, but more often than not he tries to get me to work with him. He makes me smile by doing funny things. My favorite is when he pretends to be mad back at me, but uses his cute face and his cute voice. Now how can you resist that? What I'm getting at is that no matter how many times I have lashed out at Daniel he's always still right there. I'm all tight-lipped, arms crossed, legs crossed, starring straight ahead. Daniel just keeps nudging me with his elbow, each time making a grumpier and grumpier look on his face at me until I can't help but to laugh at his stubbornness.
And, that's when I know. I'd rather be sleeping, huddled in our car, no gas, -$270 in our bank account, expired tabs so we're being invisible to the coppers with you, Daniel, than with thousands of dollars surrounded by lots of friends but without you. I'm sorry for the times that I act crazy and get all wrapped up in what we "should" be doing, rather than being in love with what we are doing, together. I'm working on it, sweetheart. You're wonderful and we're great together: Spendy and His Lady. I love you, Nonnish.
I remember the day Daniel called me to tell me that his car had just died. We didn't know why. We didn't know how. We ended up selling it to our brother. Thankfully, we had my car still. Or so we thought. Just a couple of weeks later mine died as well. It got sold to our brother, too. Daniel's grandma is so very gracious. She helped us get a car. And, woah baby, what a car it is! We call her BLH, now. Bad. Luck. Honda. She's been hit probably about 7 times. Front, rear, AND side. We got a flat tire so we took the car in to get a new one. Leaving the Les Schwab parking lot we were rear-ended. A few weeks later we were stopped at the grocery store waiting for a parking spot, we must have been stopped for 2 minutes already when WHAM! A guy backs right into the passenger side of our car, yes I was in it. I was more flabbergasted by this point by the fact that we got hit AGAIN that angry that we got hit AGAIN. I know I am forgetting some incidents, but you get the picture, right? She's got a temper and she shows it, ladies and gentlemen!! Wanna guess how much it's going to cost to fix her? I'll tell you: $7,200. Yup. I'd rather they just total the piece of crap. It's caused me more headaches and arguments with Daniel that I need, nor want. Not to mention gas. There never seems enough of it.
They say there are three things couples fight about: Money, Family, and Sex. Daniel and I have an amazing relationship. Our turnaround after having a fight or an argument is about 15 minutes, if that. We never can stay mad at each other for too long because it's just painful. He's my best friend, I don't want to not talk to my best friend. He's my favorite person to talk to! But, when we do fight you can bet it will probably be about money. We both stress so much and want the other not to stress so we take it all upon ourselves to make sure they don't. The end result is as you can imagine: Us just stressing more. I admit, I'm horrible when I'm stressed. I'm difficult and I don't cooperate. I know this! But, I also can't help it. If I have nothing to stress about...well that never happens because I always find something to stress about. And, Money is a huge factor to my stress. It's another thing that there just never seems to be enough of, you know? I don't love money, I hate it. Loath it. Despise it! Unfortunately, we need it to survive.
There are some things I've learned while having so little money, like who and what really matter. Daniel really matters. My family really matter. Writing really matters. Words really matter. I've slept in my car for days at a time, knees huddled up to my chest, Daniels' hand in mine, my head on his chest. That's what matters most to me. Having the love of my life next to me, always. We are partners I keep telling him. I should really be telling myself. I don't act very partner-ish like when I'm stressed, angry, frustrated, hurt, sad, freaked-out, and I'm definitely not going to feel very partner-ish like when I am all of those! But, he works with me. He gets angry sometimes, which is completely understandable, but more often than not he tries to get me to work with him. He makes me smile by doing funny things. My favorite is when he pretends to be mad back at me, but uses his cute face and his cute voice. Now how can you resist that? What I'm getting at is that no matter how many times I have lashed out at Daniel he's always still right there. I'm all tight-lipped, arms crossed, legs crossed, starring straight ahead. Daniel just keeps nudging me with his elbow, each time making a grumpier and grumpier look on his face at me until I can't help but to laugh at his stubbornness.
And, that's when I know. I'd rather be sleeping, huddled in our car, no gas, -$270 in our bank account, expired tabs so we're being invisible to the coppers with you, Daniel, than with thousands of dollars surrounded by lots of friends but without you. I'm sorry for the times that I act crazy and get all wrapped up in what we "should" be doing, rather than being in love with what we are doing, together. I'm working on it, sweetheart. You're wonderful and we're great together: Spendy and His Lady. I love you, Nonnish.
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