Learning to love

"What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself." Hecato, Greek philosopher.

This quote means the world to me. It is the me I am working to be one day.

I don't like myself very much. Most days I don't notice the depression and hurting. Most days I can go without shedding a single tear. But, it's days like the one I had a couple of weeks ago that let me know how much I do feel. And, I feel A LOT. I have the tendency to bottle it all up, though. I don't let anyone in on this secret, and most often times I'm not even in on this secret. I fight myself so much that I'm not sure at times if there is anything left of me to defend myself from, well, myself. It's not easy in my head. There's some messed up shit that goes on up there. They say you're your own worst critic; that's never been more true with me. I know that I am not perfect, yet I still think that I should be. 

For a long time I never acknowledged the presence of my depression. I knew it was there, especially when it rears its ugly head, but mostly I'm really good at hiding and covering up. Through this blog, I am going to work on healing. I don't like myself. I don't love myself. But, I WANT to! I want to wake up and be happy, not wake up and pull the covers over my head because the sun is out. Granted not everyday is like that, but when it is, there's almost nothing that can pull me from my well. I've begun to write poetry again. I might put some up here one day, but not just yet. They are matured from what I used to write. They are also very full of feeling. It feels so good to be writing again! Writing in my journal is completely different from writing in this blog, yet I'm trying not to hold back. I'm so sick of everyone thinking I'm always happy. I'm not. I smile all the time. Sometimes I really wish I wasn't. I'm SO GOOD at showing everyone that everything is A-OKAY. That's what they want isn't it? When see someone you know and you ask "Hey, how are you?", you're not looking for them to pour out everything that has been going on, good and bad. You're looking for "Good, really good!". Simple, easy, everything's OK. So, why put all this out in the open, for everyone to read? Because I'm not hiding. I'm not putting up a show anymore. I've got a lot of hurt inside me, a lot of anger built up, but a lot of happiness as well. I want to show all of me. This is my way of letting down walls and finally becoming a friend to myself. 

It shocks me sometimes thinking about the fact that I do not love myself truly. It's something that I've never even considered as a possibility. To not love yourself? Well, that is so easy! Right? Wrong. So, wrong. It's not just something that happens. At least not for me. I have to learn to love myself. I want to learn to love myself, which is one of the most important steps. I want to be better. I want to feel better! And, I'm going to feel better! I'm stubborn. So, I won't stop pursuing this. I might need help. And, my pride might not let me ask for help. That's part of this whole process, as well. 

A couple weeks ago I had a break down. At work. I was not able to function. Everything that has been going wrong: Fighting with Daniel, all our car problems, money, work, lack of work, rain, etc., etc. It just seemed like EVERYTHING was going wrong, and finally I broke. I sat in the employee bathroom balling my eyes out for an hour. Thank God my co-workers are awesome! That Monday was the worst I had felt in such a long time. I felt all of my frustration, anger, and hurt bubbling towards the surface finally spilling out and running black rivers down my cheeks. I've often said that I wish I could drink. Just get totally smashed, numbing all the feelings that were there, and sinking into sweet, blissful ignorance. But, I just can't get past the taste enough to do it! Silly, I know. Just chug it, ignore the taste, and welcome the dizziness to come! And, yet, I still just can't!! Thankfully I'll never become an alcoholic. Ha! 

Many other thoughts were among those of getting drunk that day. I tried committing suicide my freshman year, obviously I was (thankfully!) unsuccessful. That was the year that I first noticed my depression. I have not tried, nor have I even contemplated suicide since that year. So, I can proudly say that on this Monday, not once did that thought enter my mind even then. I just kept repeating "I just don't want to feel anymore!" over and over through quiet sobs. I'm not a loud crier, either. More of a soft and silent type. Part of the whole Don't Call Attention To Yourself deal. 

Yeah, I know, there's a lot to me and how messed up I am. But, I'm working on it, and that's a really good start, right? I think so. So what if no one reads this blog? I'm not going to say I won't be hurt, but even right now, it feels good. I feel good. Just getting it out there, it's helping. As is this sun we're having today! Gorgeous!! 

I think this Spring is a special one. It holds a lot of promise of what is to come in my future, as well as lots of opportunities to see the beautiful things in everything. That's another I'm working on: Letting go, smiling, taking deep breaths, and as they say "Smelling the Roses".

"If you're early, you're on time. If you're on time, you're late!"

Today is my Friday. I have been working non-stop 7am-3pm at work. Every day. Since last Friday. Friday Morning, so that's basically like Thursday. This entails waking up, many times before the sun, really early and driving whilst still sleeping. Let's just say I have a lot of butt-kissing to do there.

I've been working at the hotel for almost 6 months now. At first I was my usual over-achiever self. I worked at 7am, I'm there by 6:30. There's nothing to do, there's always something to do! I would dust the counter, sanitize the key coders, alphabetize our Restaurant List! I know, I was either crazy or super bored. I was definitely crazy. And now? I'm definitely just bored. But, you see, I grew up with a father that was in the Army (Hooah!) and his motto about time was this: If you're early you're on time, if you're on time you're late. I am NEVER late to anything. If I feel like I am going to be late I get all anxious, I go silent and start chewing on my lips or nails. Basically everything will cease to exist except for the clock and what time it is at every second. It's disastrous, my mind thinks, whenever I look at the time and I am not 20 minutes early.
Well, I was having trouble waking up to my alarm clock in the morning and unfortunately was waking up late for work far too many times. The blaring beeping used to wake me up harshly, making me jolt out of a deep sleep. Lately though, I've been able to blissfully sleep right on through it. Not so blissful, my boss had a serious talk with me: If I'm late once more, I'm done for. Talk about pressure (even well-deserved pressure)! From that day, every morning, I have alarms going off every half hour starting at 4:30am. I shouldn't know that that hour even existed! You gotta do what you gotta do. And, right now? I've got A LOT of making up to do. So, I worked 6 days straight, always 20 minutes early, and did everything plus more everythings I could find to do. I'm getting my butt into gear!! But, I think I'll hit snooze a few more times before getting into gear. Always being on time for work, getting enough sleep, eating breakfast, watching gas usage, blah, blah, grown up stuff, grown up boring stuff.

I got my next week's schedule for work today. I expected it to look similar to this weeks: Morning Girl, all week long. Wrong! I'm on 3 days next week. Unacceptable! I guess more butt-kissing is in store. Damn. Maybe I should buy my manager coffee all week? She likes coffee..

My first post, for my first blog!

Here I am. My first blog. My first post.
I admit, I'm a little scared. Who wouldn't be?! So many worries have been floating through my mind these past few days as I tried to decide whether or not to take the jump and create this thing.

What will I write?
Will people actually want to read my blog?
My writing sucks!
Can I even keep up with a blog?

My decision came down to this:
Oh, yes I can!

To start it all off, let me tell you a little bit about myself:

Currently I am 19 years old. I have a really great job for a 19 year old with no college, nor any previous hotel experience. But, here I am, working at a wonderful, upper-scale hotel. There will be some stories to be told about all the people I encounter, believe me!
You'll want to hold on to you knickers, ladies, and tighten your suspenders, gentlemen! My family is the newest Brady Bunch. There's my dad, 3 moms, 2 older brothers, 2 older sisters, Myself, 1 younger brother, and 1 younger sister. Jordan, my youngest sister, is only 14 years old. My oldest brother, Sean Paul, is 24. Along with them come a handful of nieces and nephews. Most of which I've watched and helped take care of since birth. I love my family so fiercely; definitely will always defend them to anyone who tries to hurt us. Yet, we can be pretty damn good at hurting each other sometimes.
I live in Seattle and share a twin size bed with my adoring boyfriend, Daniel Spendlove. Yes, Spend as in spend money and Love as in to love people. It's so goofy, it's wonderful! The twin size bed was not by choice. I like to think of the silver lining as "This way we snuggle closer" rather than the fact that there is limited space and someone will always be squished against the wall. By this date, May 25, 2011, Daniel and I have been together for almost 1 year. We are so in love! Summer of 2010: I was graduating from high school and was engaged to another guy. He was a friends brother-in-law. We had coffee together, then a few days later I was no longer engaged. I wore sunglasses to hide the fact that I couldn't tear my eyes away from his and I still can't tear my eyes away. He's captured me.
These three things: Work, Family, Boyfriend pretty much sum up my life, recently. Working hard, keeping in contact with family, and loving my guy is just about all I need right now. Unless some kind, wonderful, sweet, RICH person would like to donate a large chunk of change!! I could use that right now, too! Who couldn't these days?