Loving with all that I am

I love with everything I have and all that I am. I can't control it and I don't think I would want to. It's how I have always loved and although it makes me hurt even more in the end and fall even harder through out it's who I am to love with my entire self. I know when I hurt I pull away from the ones that I love. I seclude myself and I crawl into a hole that I sometimes think I'll never be able to crawl out of. Whether it lasts for an hour, a day, or a couple of months, I do always pull myself out. I rise stronger because of it. It's me taking time to gain control of myself once more, sometimes I need that time. Sometimes I need someone else to pull me out.

I can pretend to say that I'm so independent, I can pretend that I don't need anyone else. The truth is I need others just as much as I need to sleep. I can only go so long without it until I break. I need someone to need me and I want someone to need me. It's a hard admission to for me to make because I see myself as being strong enough not to need anyone. What I am learning is needing someone doesn't mean you are weak, it means you know how to open up your heart and risk getting hurt but trusting that they'll do it gently. I don't pretend that I won't get hurt, although I do have a tendency to pretend that I DON'T get hurt. Is it so wrong to want to be able to stand all on your own? No, I don't think so. But, I also have to know that it's not so wrong to ask for help, to tell someone that you need them there. Whether it's you need them to hold your hair when you're throwing up, to dry your eyes when you're crying, to open a jar of pickles, or even to ask for a pencil. It's human nature to need people. It's also Mylisha's nature to act as if she doesn't.

I trust people. I trust them to fail me. I trust them to leave me. I trust them to disappoint me. And, I trust them to hurt me. I think I set people up to fail by having no expectations of them. We all have to have some sort of expectations otherwise what purpose will a person have in your life if not to fulfill them, exceed them, and yes, even fail them? I'm not all-knowing, although I can pretend pretty convincingly that I am. Fooling myself is a talent that I possess, as well as fooling others. I'm so tired of fooling others. I'm not always as strong as I can pretend to be and I do need someone when I finally break. If I keep pushing the ones that love me away I won't have that someone to catch me when I fall and I know it'll all be my fault.

Even when loving with my full mind, body, and soul I don't trust whom I love to stick around. Eventually they all leave. I know it's something I have to work on, it's not fair to them if I love with and they love me, yet I hold the thought of "knowing" they are going to leave me- Especially if it's not true. Although, I've yet to come across the one that showed me wrong, I want to believe that he exists. I want that person that stays when I admit that I need them. I need them to stay. I'll try not to push you away, but I can't promise anything. It's a work in progress and it's a daily struggle. But, I can promise that I love you with all my mind, body, and soul. With everything I am I will love you for as long as my heart will beat.

Loving and Living Again

I didn’t think that I could love again after Daniel. What I went through with him, what I felt for him, what we ended up being. By the end of it all I didn’t know who I was without him, I was utterly lost. Who was I if I didn’t have him in my life? I went 2 months with zero contact from him and I finally started to move on. I didn’t always cry when I went to bed at night. I stopped emailing him every day. I stopped looking for him. I stopped hoping he would show up at my door step when I got home from work. And, I stopped hoping for him. We weren’t meant. And, when I really let him go, there he was. Blue eyes, sandy blonde hair, freckled face, that smile. He was as charming as ever and I fell for him all over again.

I went right back to him and he didn’t even want me. When I finally realized it I could feel my heart breaking all over again. But, in a different way. I wanted something that couldn’t be again and he didn’t want it at all. I hoped for it and I broke my own heart. Who’d have thunk that I could do what I never again wanted to feel to my own self?

After I realized that, I got lost again. Yearning to be loved, loving many, yet not allowing yourself to be loved takes a toll. And, you end up hurting others while ignoring your own cries of hurt. I wasn’t going to let myself feel that way again. I thought I could make myself less vulnerable by having no commitment flings. In truth I became more vulnerable. Not to others hurting me, but to myself hurting me. Not loving is like not breathing- You’re dead otherwise. So, I breathe, I love, and I live. All to the fullest because for me, there is no other way to live.