Hello, again.

I don't know how to get out all the feelings that I have, all the thoughts swimming around inside my head. Honestly, I've started this post at least 5 or 6 times already. I know I need to start writing again, I know how cathartic it is and how healing it can be. I could use some healing. I've been broken for a long time it feels like. Fighting a battle that I don't know how to win, partially because I don't even know exactly what battle it is that I am fighting. I just know that it is there, I can feel it. It started out with heartbreak- the worst I've ever had it. My biggest downfall is loving with no restraints. I'll give you everything because that's how I want to love and be loved, I just never expect to not get that in return. I mean, really, after all the times I've fallen in love and with every single one not working out, you'd think I would have learned by now, right? WRONG. Maybe that's a good thing? That I always love without boundaries, restraints, limits. But, it's not the safest. I allow myself to get hurt because of this. 

Rereading my past posts, the main theme I have found is that they are all mostly about love and heartbreak- my love and heartbreaks. I think that's because love is the only thing that I truly believe in. Funny, since it's also the hardest thing to believe in. If you ask me how many times I've been in love I would say with confidence "Four times", but if you asked me how many times I've had my heart broken? Well, it's a lot more than four. Yet, no matter how many times I feel that crushing weight of a relationship coming to an end or the shattering of my heart as someone walks out of my life- I always go back for more. 

I don't think I am healed yet from my last heartbreak. I still think about what might have been. Thanksgiving this year was bittersweet for I kept remembering how it was last year, with him. Earlier today I said that that was one of the last truly good times I could remember of us together. But, if I am being honest, (which really why shouldn't I be at this point?) it wasn't all good. I could feel something had changed, shifted, pulled away. I was already fighting for his attention and begging for more affection. I ignored the fact that he wouldn't hold my hand and I pretended to be oblivious to the texts he got from her. We went on like this for months, past Christmas, past New Year's, past the Summer, until I couldn't take it anymore. He chose someone that was easier and less emotionally attached. He chose work over and over instead of us. He didn't choose me. He forgot about me. He left me. Not physically, but in every single way that mattered, he left me. Even when I walked away myself he still never did what needed to be done to get me back. I should have known that he'd never choose me, but I kept trying. I kept hoping. I kept wanting. I kept loving. I kept breaking. He really fucked me up. 

I'm stupid for you

I couldn't breathe every time I saw your name pop up on my phone "New Message from Charles Mason Hearn". It began as a drop in my stomach and a leap in my heart. Then, it became all drops. Now nothing, no new messages, no leaping heart, no dropping stomach, nothing. I hate that we don't talk. I start a hundred messages to you, I wish for a hundred back. I wish for you.. I miss you. Terribly.

Who could have thought that I would fall in love with you, that you would fall in love right back? Neither of us wanted this at first, you were a perfect way for me to get back into life after Jose. You were a perfect in between for me to use to get started again. Yes, I used you at first, but you used me, as well. We were ok with that. We were supposed to be ok with that. I fell in love with you, though. The way you are way too smart for your own good, not knowing when not to correct something or someone. The way you would kiss me passionately in the elevator. The way you looked at me when I undressed in front of you. The way your hand would find mine as we were walking down the street. You'd catch me staring at you randomly. God, I could not look away. Can you tell that I am still desperately in love with you? With all of your weird quirky naturedness, nerdiness, randomness.

If I could list all the ways we are different it would take up this entire page. At first I saw those things as what divided us, as reasons why we would never work out. We are so very different. I grew to see those as my missing puzzle pieces, as the weights that balanced me out. I was one way and you were always the exact opposite, I admit it got frustrating sometimes, but they say opposites attract, right? I bet that person had a someone just like us because that could not be more true. Except when we are cuddled up in bed watching Chuck together. We both loved to do that. Remember? I do.

I remember the beginning, middle, and unfortunately the very end of us so vividly. The excitement of seeing you in the Starbucks window as the sun set to the right of you on the water of Seattle. The pure lust of our first kiss, and that extreme electric connection every time we touched after that. I remember our holiday Christmas parties and how much we smiled those nights. I remember you staying up all night dancing at ETG and then texting me, hoping not to wake me up, but letting me know you missed me. The pure joy I got in that text, and the pure longing heartbroken ache I felt at every "I miss you" text in the end. The morning I knew I had fallen in love with you as I walked out of the shower at 6am, you laying in your boxers in bed with the early light spilling through onto your hands as they gently plucked away at your guitar. I don't know if you knew, but I stood there for many minutes with tears in my eyes. Just watching you. The man I love. So quiet and innocent. So loving. Yet so closed off. I left wanting to scream, to curl into a ball and cry, to hold myself and my aching heart. I remember the loss of breath I had when you said "I don't see a future for us". I remember blinking back the tears because I didn't want you to see that I was devastated by that. I could physically feel myself completely closing myself off to you at that exact moment. Your excuses of us being too different, not having any of the same life experiences, they each hit like a spear in my heart. I agreed with you. "Yes we are too different." I've grown up so harshly and been through more things in my life that you probably will never have to go through. But, I no longer saw those differences as obstacles, I saw them as the missing puzzle pieces to my life. All the things you said made that picture in my head shatter and I shattered along with it.

I slept with someone else because I wanted to feel wanted. I wanted to lose myself for just a little bit and feed the most basic instinct a human can have, with no emotions and nothing else attached. How was I supposed to know that everything we were was serious to you? That you in fact were in love with me, too? Every denial you said, every "I'm not ready for a relationship" you gave, that's all I saw. Maybe we were both still too broken in the beginning, maybe we should have never started this in between relationship thing. I know I hurt you so much, and I wish I could take that back every single day. I wish to the ends of the Earth and back that I hadn't broken your heart, because I can deal with my broken heart. I can handle my own hurt, but yours I can't. It's your broken heart that I want to heal the most and take away the anger, hurt, and disappointment.

 I wish there was something I could do, because I am still in love with you. It's for the best we don't talk anymore, no more panic attacks, no more discussions about who did what wrong, no more tears. Except there are tears, and I just can't tell you. I can't tell you that I think about you a hundred times a day. I can't tell you that I consider it a good day if I don't dream about you the night before. Because when I do, I wake with this ache that doesn't leave for the entire day. At least when I don't dream about you I only think about you 99 times a day. I'm stupid for you and I still can't help it.

A little bit of steam

Oh the way you touched me last night
And, when I saw goosebumps raise upon your skin
The sigh I let out when you bite my neck
And, your moan when I kiss your adam's apple
Breathtaking.
You're so beautiful.
Wrap your strong arms around me
And, I'll hold you tight with my lean legs
I'll pull your hair and you'll arch my back
Tantalizing.
You're so beautiful.
Kiss my breast
And, my teeth will find your arm
I roll on top of you, hair spilling around my face
Your smile and words "You're the most beautiful woman, I am so lucky"
Sweet.
You're so beautiful.
My turn for goosebumps
Passionate kisses
I like biting your lip
Your fingers find my hip bone and press hard
Lean back and groan
Hot.
You're so beautiful.

Could it be you?

22 years old and I've never seen the Grand Canyon,
But, I have seen my father divorced 3 times.
22 years old and I've never broken a bone,
But, I have had a broken heart.
22 years old and I cannot speak more than one language,
But, I have experienced more pain for my young age than any words can describe.

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,
But, they didn't mention how much one can hurt before they die.
I feel it all when I'm alone, I'll say
"Don't leave me, please"- to no one in particular.
It's a beg, it's a prayer, it's a call
For help, for love, for someone.
To hear me, to end my misery.
To make me happy, to feel something, to experience everlasting.....anything.

Do you love me? Forever? Will you?
I'm crazy, I know.
What a preposterous thing to ask, to seek.
How selfish of me.
You do your thing and I'll do mine.
Meet me in the middle, or just somewhere far away.
I have no idea what I am looking for..
Why look at all?

I am impatient.
I curse and I swear.
I am stubborn and strong willed.
I am confident and cocky.
Beautiful and silly.
I don't know how to forgive.....or maybe it is that I do not know how to forget..
I can drink my coffee black
Because that's how my father does it, and I'm a daddy's girl.
I fall in love quickly and easily, but every time
It is with all my heart and soul.
I am afraid of being alone, yet I push people away.
Some of these are faults, some are nothing, some are
something.
Something to me, they are what I know about me, they are what I know to be true.

What do you know about you?

Scared and Afraid

It scares me to be alone,
And, I'm terrified of the unknown.
Walking down a path to who knows where?
Running away from all my fears, I'm scared.
I'm scared of not succeeding,
Of falling and failing.
I'm scared of the monsters that lie underneath my bed,
And, I run from the thoughts that swim in my head.
When I'm alone they consume me.
All the negative words and all the horrible memories,
The people that have left me and those I have discarded like old love letters shoved in a drawer,
Centuries forgotten.
There's nothing I want more than to be OK,
I don't have to be wonderful or fantastic.
I don't need to feel amazing every day.
But, I need to wake up and know it's alright.
There are questions that plague me and I fear I'll never know the answers.
It tortures me not knowing,
Not knowing why I wasn't good enough for her,
Why wasn't her daughter reason enough to stay?
I'll never know that.
I'll never know who my mother was.
I'll never know who my father was.
It makes me feel like I'll never know who I am...
These are the thoughts that take over when I'm alone,
These are the questions that remain unknown.
I'm afraid of facing them,
Afraid of finding out how truly weak I am.