I’ve learned so much in the time that we were together. The experiences I’ve taken from us, the love we had, the pain we’ve inflicted upon each other. I grew up a lot while we were together. I’ve come into my own as much as I am right now. Where we are right now, I don’t like this. I don’t like us. I don’t like who I become when I think of you. The anger I feel towards you. I’ve pushed out the happy memories. I don’t think you like who you’ve become either. I don’t want to hate you, I don’t want you to hate me, I love you incredibly. We just can’t be together anymore. Not now.
We came so close, dear. We got right to the edge, holding hands, we were there! But, then we turned, separate ways. I to the right, you to the left. I know that we tried to get back to how things were, we tried desperately to rebuild what had fallen. But, we shouldn’t have been trying to rebuild from the ruins, we should have built on top of them with something new, towards something new. And, now we’re building separately. Everyone was rooting for us, but us. We were so good for so long. I’ve never felt before what I felt with you. Can you believe that we were prepared to get married? Sometimes I can’t. Sometimes it’s all I can think of. Impossible to forget, but easy to not acknowledge, like so much of our relationship.
We know each other, better than we do ourselves. We know the buttons to push and what reaction each will have. Sometimes we pushed them just to see that reaction. I don’t know when, but I started to pull away from you. I would catch myself stopping the feelings from flowing freely. I could feel myself getting hurt and I wanted to prevent that. So I stopped myself from feeling what I felt for you. I left you. Twice. I didn’t think I had the strength to do it the first time, and the second…well the second I didn’t think about whether or not I had the strength, I just did.
Love’s not a game. It’s a torturous road and it never ends. I’ll keep falling in love, I’ll keep getting hurt. But, you my dear, are my first real love, were my first real love. You will always be him. Although we hurt right now, and we are hurting each other, I know it will pass. I was so afraid of losing you, and I lost you in the end anyways. It doesn’t matter how careful one is, you just have to love freely and fully. With all your heart and soul, or else it doesn’t matter in the end. The love that was there doesn’t mean a thing unless you meant it while you felt it. I meant it and I’ll mean it every single time I fall in love. Multiple people will feel my love, but they will never get anything less than everything I have to give. It’s how I love, always have and always will. A part of me will always be searching for my best friend again, and for that best friend to turn into my lover and life long partner. For now I wait, hopefully he is searching for me too.
I’ll miss you for many more days to come. And, there will be many more afternoons where I will let the tears flow for you. But, it won’t last forever. The tears will turn into a smile and if I miss you, I’m missing a dear friend. Not my past lover, not my past partner, not the man whom I almost might have married. It’s strength that I’m building up inside of me, not a wall. Strength to love freely as I want, love whoever, how many times over. Strength to help me for when I do get hurt, because I can guarantee it will happen again and probably again and again. And, although I got hurt drastically in this process, I'd do it all again with you. Every cold night in our car, every house we've been through, every thing we've sold. I wouldn't be where I am or know this much about myself without experiencing all of those with you. You'll always be an important part of my life story.
