Scared and Afraid

It scares me to be alone,
And, I'm terrified of the unknown.
Walking down a path to who knows where?
Running away from all my fears, I'm scared.
I'm scared of not succeeding,
Of falling and failing.
I'm scared of the monsters that lie underneath my bed,
And, I run from the thoughts that swim in my head.
When I'm alone they consume me.
All the negative words and all the horrible memories,
The people that have left me and those I have discarded like old love letters shoved in a drawer,
Centuries forgotten.
There's nothing I want more than to be OK,
I don't have to be wonderful or fantastic.
I don't need to feel amazing every day.
But, I need to wake up and know it's alright.
There are questions that plague me and I fear I'll never know the answers.
It tortures me not knowing,
Not knowing why I wasn't good enough for her,
Why wasn't her daughter reason enough to stay?
I'll never know that.
I'll never know who my mother was.
I'll never know who my father was.
It makes me feel like I'll never know who I am...
These are the thoughts that take over when I'm alone,
These are the questions that remain unknown.
I'm afraid of facing them,
Afraid of finding out how truly weak I am.

Reach

There's a dark room and I'm sitting there,
Thinking about the stars,
Counting the hours until I reach the moon,
I am content.
I am terrified.
I am worried.
I am smiling.
I am alone.
You've known me for far too long,
Like the lyrics of your favorite song, I'll stay in your head.
I'll resonate, I'll keep
But, you can't hold me, you can't touch me, you can't know me any more.
Because I don't know me.

Wonderful

I drink a Redbull.
I think about you.
I think about if what I'm feeling can be true.
Outside looking in it seems quick, it seems sudden,
But, to myself it's been a long time coming.
Yearning for attention and affection for too long, falling as I have, feeling as I do, is that so wrong?
There's a comfort with you.
An easiness I feel.
I wanted you right off the back, was curious to know how your touch would be.
Little did I know it wouldn't be the touch of your hand that would make me swoon.
It's the looks you give me,
The times you call me beautiful,
The way we share the same thoughts,
And, how you're so light in life.
You make me happy.
You make me hopeful.
I am strong because I know I can feel the way I do.
But, it's scary, it's too soon,
Yet, I think you know what I mean when I say "I am enamored by you".
How could I not be?
With everything you are, you are wonderful!
I know it's too soon, I know I'm not ready.
But, how can I deny what my heart is yelling?
I write this not to scare you, or to turn you away,
I write this because out loud there are no words I know how to say.
I want to pull you close, hold you tight,
because you make me so damn happy and being happy is worth every kind of fight.

There's something about you

I sit on the floor looking at the screen,

thinking,

wondering,

dreaming.

What is it that I'm trying to say?

What is it that I'm trying to do?

Think of all the synonyms for "I love you".

Enamored.

Enchanted.

Bewitched.

Head over heels.

Heels over head.

They're all the same for this feeling that came,

Came up so suddenly, I found myself feeling so quickly.

Your eyes, your hands, your smile.

Soft lips, gentle touch, kind looks.

Boy, oh boy, what am I getting myself in to?

Boy, oh boy, what do you know?

Just breath.

In.

Out. 

Close my eyes.

Teeth chattering.

There's just something about you that does something for me.