This is a poem I wrote months ago and just now found again. I like re-reading what I've forgotten I've written.
So many thoughts.
So many words.
Put it on paper, scribble it out.
My fists bleed from when I hit the wall.
I don't mind.
Confusion frustrates me. He frustrates me.
I scream.
I can only remember forever or forget for good.
It's always one or the other.
There’s no middle.
And all I want is a smile.
So let’s walk for a while.
I’ll tell you a story about how the roses were red and the violets were blue and how each of us said “I love you”.
But, it didn’t last.
He moved on.
I just moved.
The days are slow, the nights are tempting.
My words flow freer at 2am.
Don’t you think it’s beautiful?
I do.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Friday, June 29, 2012
The Blinking Lights
I want to write something. I really do. I've just begun this crazy thing and already I feel as if I'm lying to myself when I don't write a post everyday. And, now I've gone 6 days without typing a single word to you (I imagine a lot of people do read this already). It really is like a public diary; it's so comforting. An awkward idea, I know, but it works for me. I feel you call my bluff and demand better of me. You force my thoughts out. You agonizingly push me forward to reaching my goal. Already, I thank you. One day I hope to have hundreds of followers, but it's not the number of followers that I first was afraid of. It's not about whether or not anyone will read this. My fear comes from the thought of actually working on myself. Of actually doing this and sticking to it.
I am afraid of the Unknown. I yearn for Stability, yet have a tangled romance when it comes to Change. I have an itch to do something different drastically every couple of years. Comes with the territory of being an Army Brat: You always move. So, now that this itch has arrived again I have been thinking about relocating. But, now it's completely different. I don't HAVE to move -living on my own has given me an option finally. And, it's not such an easy option, either. I get slightly terrified at thinking of moving away from what I am familiar with towards something I have no idea about. A secret exciteness runs through me at the same time.
^^This was a draft from when I first started my blog. It's unfinished yet I feel as if it holds as much truth now as it did back then. Just for the heck of it, here it is, in all of it's unfinish-ness.
I am afraid of the Unknown. I yearn for Stability, yet have a tangled romance when it comes to Change. I have an itch to do something different drastically every couple of years. Comes with the territory of being an Army Brat: You always move. So, now that this itch has arrived again I have been thinking about relocating. But, now it's completely different. I don't HAVE to move -living on my own has given me an option finally. And, it's not such an easy option, either. I get slightly terrified at thinking of moving away from what I am familiar with towards something I have no idea about. A secret exciteness runs through me at the same time.
^^This was a draft from when I first started my blog. It's unfinished yet I feel as if it holds as much truth now as it did back then. Just for the heck of it, here it is, in all of it's unfinish-ness.
Penny for your thoughts
Sometimes I don't know what to write. I'll start a sentence and then erase it. I'll draw circles on a pad of paper so much it makes indentations where the pen has left its mark. I always want a specific subject to write about. But, how do you choose just one when you have at least 10 making waves in your head? This post won't have any specific direction to it, it won't have a beginning and an ending already thought out, it won't have a lesson to be learned or a specific story to the plot, it'll just be me writing. Because that's what I love to do, whether it's typing on the computer or writing in my journal. There's something I love about having a pen in my hand and putting it to untouched paper. Watching hour after hour fly by as page after page gets filled with my thoughts, wants, needs, desires, anecdotes, and poems. Writing is something I enjoy immensely and it's something that someone reminded me of today. They reminded me how much I love to write, even if no one reads this, it's out there and I've done it. I need to be doing more stuff that I enjoy I think. There's this rut that I've fallen into lately, and I'm not quiet sure how to get out of it. In a previous post I stated that usually when I get into this rut I will cut my hair. I've done that now on two separate occasions. If I do it again, will it not just be a continuance of the cycle that I am trying so desperately to break out of right now? Or will it do what I want it to do? Renew me. Almost like starting over. It's how I always feel after a haircut. I just need to do something out of my norm. Which has turned into doing nothing but going to work and coming home. Back to work and then walking over the bridge, buds in my ears, cigarette in my hand, foot in front of the other, walking back home.
I talk about taking a vacation someplace. San Francisco, Hawaii, Portland, even home to Yelm. But, I never go. Being a workaholic as well as a diligent money worrier I won't take time off of work. I don't see the use in it. Although, on days like this I wish I would more often. Maybe if I took time to do things for myself I wouldn't fall into this rut so often. I wouldn't feel as if a drastic change was in need for me to feel good again. Feel new. Rejuvenated. Refreshed. Energetic. Even happy again. Now that's not to say I'm not happy. These past two months especially there has been a change in my life that has made me so very happy. I'm flushed and brightened with the thought of him each day. But, I've learned not to make somebody my sole purpose for living, so he alone cannot bring me full happiness. That I know I need to be able to do by myself, on my own. When I'm alone especially. There's not a lot of days that I'm left alone, so I usually don't have to worry about that. But, what happens when I am left alone? I see all my faults and I see all that I want to do, all that I probably should be doing. Maybe I'm too hard on myself, but I rather be too hard and strive for what I want than be too easy and think it's okay to just not go after something. Something like going back to school. I can't say exactly what is holding me back, but I get as close as to speaking with a counselor and then I think about money and will I have time?, or what degree do I want to go for?, or will I slip into debt and not even finish? I guess all of those could be considered reasons why I shy away after that first initial phone call to a counselor. I want it, I want it so badly, I just can't go after it. I am holding myself back with my fears. My over thinking abilities are definitely NOT a good addition in this case. When I over think, I over analyze and most often I have a tendency to freak myself out of a situation. Out of doing this or that. I'll end up doing it eventually and look back and think about how silly I was to freak out for it. I can definitely have many moments like that.
I feel lighter after writing this. That's what writing does for me, it lets me literally give away some of my thoughts. I wouldn't say my head feels more clear or that I have a definitive thought now, the thoughts have just grown lighter and faded a little bit. Sometimes that's all I need in order to make it through the rest of the night. Tomorrow, however, is another day.
I talk about taking a vacation someplace. San Francisco, Hawaii, Portland, even home to Yelm. But, I never go. Being a workaholic as well as a diligent money worrier I won't take time off of work. I don't see the use in it. Although, on days like this I wish I would more often. Maybe if I took time to do things for myself I wouldn't fall into this rut so often. I wouldn't feel as if a drastic change was in need for me to feel good again. Feel new. Rejuvenated. Refreshed. Energetic. Even happy again. Now that's not to say I'm not happy. These past two months especially there has been a change in my life that has made me so very happy. I'm flushed and brightened with the thought of him each day. But, I've learned not to make somebody my sole purpose for living, so he alone cannot bring me full happiness. That I know I need to be able to do by myself, on my own. When I'm alone especially. There's not a lot of days that I'm left alone, so I usually don't have to worry about that. But, what happens when I am left alone? I see all my faults and I see all that I want to do, all that I probably should be doing. Maybe I'm too hard on myself, but I rather be too hard and strive for what I want than be too easy and think it's okay to just not go after something. Something like going back to school. I can't say exactly what is holding me back, but I get as close as to speaking with a counselor and then I think about money and will I have time?, or what degree do I want to go for?, or will I slip into debt and not even finish? I guess all of those could be considered reasons why I shy away after that first initial phone call to a counselor. I want it, I want it so badly, I just can't go after it. I am holding myself back with my fears. My over thinking abilities are definitely NOT a good addition in this case. When I over think, I over analyze and most often I have a tendency to freak myself out of a situation. Out of doing this or that. I'll end up doing it eventually and look back and think about how silly I was to freak out for it. I can definitely have many moments like that.
I feel lighter after writing this. That's what writing does for me, it lets me literally give away some of my thoughts. I wouldn't say my head feels more clear or that I have a definitive thought now, the thoughts have just grown lighter and faded a little bit. Sometimes that's all I need in order to make it through the rest of the night. Tomorrow, however, is another day.
Monday, June 4, 2012
DO or DO NOT, there is no try.
During high school I had a couple of teachers whom have really influenced me on my decisions during this journey of finding who I am. Mrs. Albert, who was my English teacher Sophomore year as well as my Film as Lit teacher my Senior year. She was an amazing woman, so compassionate, yet hard in the classroom. She knew a kids potential and she pushed them to achieve said potential. I owe a lot of my great essays to her skills in teaching. I also owe a lot of gratitude to her for allowing me to break down during class more than once, Sophomore year was a tough one for me. But, I definitely learned more in her class than just how to write a kick ass essay. I learned how to read beyond what was being simply said and to look around me and others. I definitely look up to that woman.
Mr. Hamblin was another English teacher I looked up to. Specifically, he taught my Mythology class. I enjoyed his teaching style and himself as a human being, not just as a teacher. He's a big goof and really passionate about Sci-Fi things and is OBSESSED with Star Wars. I wasn't much of a fan, but I warmed up a bit seeing as it was the easiest way to relate with Mr. Hamblin.
When it came time to graduate I had both of these mentors sign my yearbook. Mrs. Albert wrote something sweet and sentimental as was always her style. And, Mr. Hamblin wrote what I knew would be some reference to Star Wars. He wrote one of Yoda's most famous sayings: "DO or DO NOT, there is no try". From a fictional character to the pen of a high school teacher, I have been given the most important piece of advice of my life. Whatever I do, wherever I am doing it, it always is there with me. Whenever I find myself using the phrase "I can try" I always think of what Mr. Hamblin wrote and think "I'm not going to just try, I'm going to DO. Whether or not I succeed will come afterwards, but at least I DID".
I write about this because I am thinking about going back to school. Actually starting college and moving onto that next significant step in my life. I had the chance to go to college right out of high school, but I didn't. I decided to move up to Seattle and start working. It turned out to be a great idea for me because I got into an industry that I have absolutely fallen in love with and it's made me change my mind and go in a completely different direction with college than I would have gone if I had just jumped right into it. Now to say that I would have changed my mind if I had gone straight to college would be an assumption, I don't know if I would have changed it, it really depends on whether or not I would have been exposed to the Hospitality Industry during that time. Being exposed to the Hospitality Industry at such a young age, before college, was what changed my mind from going into a career of Teaching to going into a career of Guest Satisfaction. I am a Front Desk Agent, I work to make others happy, and in the end that makes me happy. Seeing the smile on a guests face when I upgrade them for their anniversary, or just simply seeing their refreshed face the next morning after what I knew was a long day of traveling the day before. I'll even wish them luck on a job interview and ask for an update upon their return- It's the little things that count and make their stay something more special than just coming into town for a job interview.
I'm passionate about what I do, about everything that I do really. But, about my work specifically. I want to move up in the Hospitality Industry, granted if I move up I won't be working directly with the guests all the time anymore, but I'll be helping on a larger scale. I would like to be in Sales, I've concluded. Eventually my BIG goal is to be GM. General Manager Mylisha Lanegan. Has a good ring to it, don't you think? ;) I do. And, I also know that to get there one day I'm going to need a degree to back me up, if one a few degrees. So, I'm getting started on my college career.
Honestly I am scared. Scared of failing, scared of changing my mind even! I've found work that I love and you know what they say, "Find something you love to do and you'll never have to work a day in your life". I love making others happy, it's perfect for me! I don't want to start college having one dream and then have it turn into something else and realizing that I wasted probably months, if not years focusing on one idea, just to find out that I in fact want something different. It's disappointing to me, I realize. I want to have a plan, and start in on that plan, and follow through with that plan. Not attempt that plan and then change it. But, I have to at least try in order to even get started. I have to do more than TRY, I have to just DO. Just start it and run with it. Whether or not I change my dream, well....whatever happens happens. I believe it all happens for a reason.
Even as I write this I am shaking because I'm scared. There are so many factors and "What ifs" running around inside my head that want to keep me back from achieving my goal, from reaching my dream. I have to do more than just try. Just trying isn't good enough, not in my book. If I fail at least I can say I did it in the first place. Doing it is so much more than trying it. I'm committed if I'm doing it, and believe me, when I commit to something, I don't fail.
DO or DO NOT, there is no try.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Loving with all that I am
I love with everything I have and all that I am. I can't control it and I don't think I would want to. It's how I have always loved and although it makes me hurt even more in the end and fall even harder through out it's who I am to love with my entire self. I know when I hurt I pull away from the ones that I love. I seclude myself and I crawl into a hole that I sometimes think I'll never be able to crawl out of. Whether it lasts for an hour, a day, or a couple of months, I do always pull myself out. I rise stronger because of it. It's me taking time to gain control of myself once more, sometimes I need that time. Sometimes I need someone else to pull me out.
I can pretend to say that I'm so independent, I can pretend that I don't need anyone else. The truth is I need others just as much as I need to sleep. I can only go so long without it until I break. I need someone to need me and I want someone to need me. It's a hard admission to for me to make because I see myself as being strong enough not to need anyone. What I am learning is needing someone doesn't mean you are weak, it means you know how to open up your heart and risk getting hurt but trusting that they'll do it gently. I don't pretend that I won't get hurt, although I do have a tendency to pretend that I DON'T get hurt. Is it so wrong to want to be able to stand all on your own? No, I don't think so. But, I also have to know that it's not so wrong to ask for help, to tell someone that you need them there. Whether it's you need them to hold your hair when you're throwing up, to dry your eyes when you're crying, to open a jar of pickles, or even to ask for a pencil. It's human nature to need people. It's also Mylisha's nature to act as if she doesn't.
I trust people. I trust them to fail me. I trust them to leave me. I trust them to disappoint me. And, I trust them to hurt me. I think I set people up to fail by having no expectations of them. We all have to have some sort of expectations otherwise what purpose will a person have in your life if not to fulfill them, exceed them, and yes, even fail them? I'm not all-knowing, although I can pretend pretty convincingly that I am. Fooling myself is a talent that I possess, as well as fooling others. I'm so tired of fooling others. I'm not always as strong as I can pretend to be and I do need someone when I finally break. If I keep pushing the ones that love me away I won't have that someone to catch me when I fall and I know it'll all be my fault.
Even when loving with my full mind, body, and soul I don't trust whom I love to stick around. Eventually they all leave. I know it's something I have to work on, it's not fair to them if I love with and they love me, yet I hold the thought of "knowing" they are going to leave me- Especially if it's not true. Although, I've yet to come across the one that showed me wrong, I want to believe that he exists. I want that person that stays when I admit that I need them. I need them to stay. I'll try not to push you away, but I can't promise anything. It's a work in progress and it's a daily struggle. But, I can promise that I love you with all my mind, body, and soul. With everything I am I will love you for as long as my heart will beat.
I can pretend to say that I'm so independent, I can pretend that I don't need anyone else. The truth is I need others just as much as I need to sleep. I can only go so long without it until I break. I need someone to need me and I want someone to need me. It's a hard admission to for me to make because I see myself as being strong enough not to need anyone. What I am learning is needing someone doesn't mean you are weak, it means you know how to open up your heart and risk getting hurt but trusting that they'll do it gently. I don't pretend that I won't get hurt, although I do have a tendency to pretend that I DON'T get hurt. Is it so wrong to want to be able to stand all on your own? No, I don't think so. But, I also have to know that it's not so wrong to ask for help, to tell someone that you need them there. Whether it's you need them to hold your hair when you're throwing up, to dry your eyes when you're crying, to open a jar of pickles, or even to ask for a pencil. It's human nature to need people. It's also Mylisha's nature to act as if she doesn't.
I trust people. I trust them to fail me. I trust them to leave me. I trust them to disappoint me. And, I trust them to hurt me. I think I set people up to fail by having no expectations of them. We all have to have some sort of expectations otherwise what purpose will a person have in your life if not to fulfill them, exceed them, and yes, even fail them? I'm not all-knowing, although I can pretend pretty convincingly that I am. Fooling myself is a talent that I possess, as well as fooling others. I'm so tired of fooling others. I'm not always as strong as I can pretend to be and I do need someone when I finally break. If I keep pushing the ones that love me away I won't have that someone to catch me when I fall and I know it'll all be my fault.
Loving and Living Again
I didn’t think that I could love again after Daniel. What I went through with him, what I felt for him, what we ended up being. By the end of it all I didn’t know who I was without him, I was utterly lost. Who was I if I didn’t have him in my life? I went 2 months with zero contact from him and I finally started to move on. I didn’t always cry when I went to bed at night. I stopped emailing him every day. I stopped looking for him. I stopped hoping he would show up at my door step when I got home from work. And, I stopped hoping for him. We weren’t meant. And, when I really let him go, there he was. Blue eyes, sandy blonde hair, freckled face, that smile. He was as charming as ever and I fell for him all over again.
I went right back to him and he didn’t even want me. When I finally realized it I could feel my heart breaking all over again. But, in a different way. I wanted something that couldn’t be again and he didn’t want it at all. I hoped for it and I broke my own heart. Who’d have thunk that I could do what I never again wanted to feel to my own self?
After I realized that, I got lost again. Yearning to be loved, loving many, yet not allowing yourself to be loved takes a toll. And, you end up hurting others while ignoring your own cries of hurt. I wasn’t going to let myself feel that way again. I thought I could make myself less vulnerable by having no commitment flings. In truth I became more vulnerable. Not to others hurting me, but to myself hurting me. Not loving is like not breathing- You’re dead otherwise. So, I breathe, I love, and I live. All to the fullest because for me, there is no other way to live.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Just Something
So many thoughts.
So many words.
Put it on paper, scribble it out.
My fists bleed from when I hit the wall.
I don't mind.
Confusion frustrates me. He frustrates me.
I scream.
I can only remember forever or forget for good.
It's always one or the other.
There’s no middle.
And all I want is a smile.
So let’s walk for a while.
I’ll tell you a story about how the roses were red and the violets were blue and how each of us said “I love you”.
But, it didn’t last.
He moved on.
I just moved.
The days are slow, the nights are tempting.
My words flow freer at 2am.
Don’t you think it’s beautiful?
I do.
So many words.
Put it on paper, scribble it out.
My fists bleed from when I hit the wall.
I don't mind.
Confusion frustrates me. He frustrates me.
I scream.
I can only remember forever or forget for good.
It's always one or the other.
There’s no middle.
And all I want is a smile.
So let’s walk for a while.
I’ll tell you a story about how the roses were red and the violets were blue and how each of us said “I love you”.
But, it didn’t last.
He moved on.
I just moved.
The days are slow, the nights are tempting.
My words flow freer at 2am.
Don’t you think it’s beautiful?
I do.
Friday, February 10, 2012
A letter to you
I remember the first time you did it in front of me. It was dark and we were in your car, 1996 Blue Honda- Damn, I miss that car- We hadn't been together but for a couple of months, if that, maybe less. I knew it was a part of your past, but now I was presented with the fact that it was a part of your present. And, if I was wanting a future with you, it would be part of our future. I didn't need time to think about it. I knew I was in love with you and I trusted you. You must have trusted me too.
We fell in love so quick and so intense. You were still sleeping with your 27 year old, mother of two (neither which of were yours) ex girlfriend and I was engaged to a man whom I hadn't loved for a long time when we first met. You were still in love with her for a long time, part of me always felt you always still loved her. It didn't matter to me most times because I was the one you were falling asleep with at night now. Over time it ate at me though. Sometimes it was all I could think about. Sometimes it was all my mind was capable of focusing on. I let that be a part of what destroyed us.
I keep thinking about things like that. The night in your car when I was in a jungle and you were driving around Seattle. That night we drove all the way up clear towards to Outlet Malls. Remember when it was midnight and we bought camping gear? We took a spontaneous trip. Hopped on a ferry and sailed to Whidbey Island at midnight! Remember the cop who we always mad fun of at every chance we could because he didn't recognize that we were doing a 3-point turn around? It was my first time on a ferry. I felt like a kid on Christmas morning getting that long awaited present when I was there with you. Enchanting.
A year and 8 months together. A year and 8 months we shared and created a world, a life, together. I messed up last summer. Big time. But, that's not when things changed. It started before Summer even was a thought. But, could that have really been the reason you're doing all that you're doing now?
Oh, how part of me misses that year and 8 months. Part of me misses you. It hits me sometimes, you know? How a love as good and right as ours could get so lost. I wonder if you ever think of it as I do. Or do you just disregard it all? Do you?
All this crap that's happened this past month has a way of clouding my mind and memory of all the good we had, that we were. I don't want to be bitter, though. I don't want things to just end as abruptly as you leaving my bank card and me never hearing from you again. It doesn't feel right. Dammit, I don't feel right. We're not good together anymore, I know that. You know that. But, you also know that the way things are now are wrong. We've ended. But, since we've ended why end with a bad taste in our mouths for the both of us?
I'd like to hear from you. You know my number, you know my email, hell you know where I live! Please contact me, Daniel.
I keep thinking about things like that. The night in your car when I was in a jungle and you were driving around Seattle. That night we drove all the way up clear towards to Outlet Malls. Remember when it was midnight and we bought camping gear? We took a spontaneous trip. Hopped on a ferry and sailed to Whidbey Island at midnight! Remember the cop who we always mad fun of at every chance we could because he didn't recognize that we were doing a 3-point turn around? It was my first time on a ferry. I felt like a kid on Christmas morning getting that long awaited present when I was there with you. Enchanting.
A year and 8 months together. A year and 8 months we shared and created a world, a life, together. I messed up last summer. Big time. But, that's not when things changed. It started before Summer even was a thought. But, could that have really been the reason you're doing all that you're doing now?
Oh, how part of me misses that year and 8 months. Part of me misses you. It hits me sometimes, you know? How a love as good and right as ours could get so lost. I wonder if you ever think of it as I do. Or do you just disregard it all? Do you?
All this crap that's happened this past month has a way of clouding my mind and memory of all the good we had, that we were. I don't want to be bitter, though. I don't want things to just end as abruptly as you leaving my bank card and me never hearing from you again. It doesn't feel right. Dammit, I don't feel right. We're not good together anymore, I know that. You know that. But, you also know that the way things are now are wrong. We've ended. But, since we've ended why end with a bad taste in our mouths for the both of us?
I'd like to hear from you. You know my number, you know my email, hell you know where I live! Please contact me, Daniel.
Monday, January 23, 2012
If I Am A Stranger
I cried this afternoon for the first time in a few weeks. I cried today for you. You found someone new, and I did too, but it doesn’t change how I still feel about you. It doesn’t change the year and a half we were together. There’s so much hurt, I don’t know where to turn. I can be strong for only so long, dear.
I’ve learned so much in the time that we were together. The experiences I’ve taken from us, the love we had, the pain we’ve inflicted upon each other. I grew up a lot while we were together. I’ve come into my own as much as I am right now. Where we are right now, I don’t like this. I don’t like us. I don’t like who I become when I think of you. The anger I feel towards you. I’ve pushed out the happy memories. I don’t think you like who you’ve become either. I don’t want to hate you, I don’t want you to hate me, I love you incredibly. We just can’t be together anymore. Not now.
We came so close, dear. We got right to the edge, holding hands, we were there! But, then we turned, separate ways. I to the right, you to the left. I know that we tried to get back to how things were, we tried desperately to rebuild what had fallen. But, we shouldn’t have been trying to rebuild from the ruins, we should have built on top of them with something new, towards something new. And, now we’re building separately. Everyone was rooting for us, but us. We were so good for so long. I’ve never felt before what I felt with you. Can you believe that we were prepared to get married? Sometimes I can’t. Sometimes it’s all I can think of. Impossible to forget, but easy to not acknowledge, like so much of our relationship.
We know each other, better than we do ourselves. We know the buttons to push and what reaction each will have. Sometimes we pushed them just to see that reaction. I don’t know when, but I started to pull away from you. I would catch myself stopping the feelings from flowing freely. I could feel myself getting hurt and I wanted to prevent that. So I stopped myself from feeling what I felt for you. I left you. Twice. I didn’t think I had the strength to do it the first time, and the second…well the second I didn’t think about whether or not I had the strength, I just did.
Love’s not a game. It’s a torturous road and it never ends. I’ll keep falling in love, I’ll keep getting hurt. But, you my dear, are my first real love, were my first real love. You will always be him. Although we hurt right now, and we are hurting each other, I know it will pass. I was so afraid of losing you, and I lost you in the end anyways. It doesn’t matter how careful one is, you just have to love freely and fully. With all your heart and soul, or else it doesn’t matter in the end. The love that was there doesn’t mean a thing unless you meant it while you felt it. I meant it and I’ll mean it every single time I fall in love. Multiple people will feel my love, but they will never get anything less than everything I have to give. It’s how I love, always have and always will. A part of me will always be searching for my best friend again, and for that best friend to turn into my lover and life long partner. For now I wait, hopefully he is searching for me too.
I’ll miss you for many more days to come. And, there will be many more afternoons where I will let the tears flow for you. But, it won’t last forever. The tears will turn into a smile and if I miss you, I’m missing a dear friend. Not my past lover, not my past partner, not the man whom I almost might have married. It’s strength that I’m building up inside of me, not a wall. Strength to love freely as I want, love whoever, how many times over. Strength to help me for when I do get hurt, because I can guarantee it will happen again and probably again and again. And, although I got hurt drastically in this process, I'd do it all again with you. Every cold night in our car, every house we've been through, every thing we've sold. I wouldn't be where I am or know this much about myself without experiencing all of those with you. You'll always be an important part of my life story.
I’ve learned so much in the time that we were together. The experiences I’ve taken from us, the love we had, the pain we’ve inflicted upon each other. I grew up a lot while we were together. I’ve come into my own as much as I am right now. Where we are right now, I don’t like this. I don’t like us. I don’t like who I become when I think of you. The anger I feel towards you. I’ve pushed out the happy memories. I don’t think you like who you’ve become either. I don’t want to hate you, I don’t want you to hate me, I love you incredibly. We just can’t be together anymore. Not now.
We came so close, dear. We got right to the edge, holding hands, we were there! But, then we turned, separate ways. I to the right, you to the left. I know that we tried to get back to how things were, we tried desperately to rebuild what had fallen. But, we shouldn’t have been trying to rebuild from the ruins, we should have built on top of them with something new, towards something new. And, now we’re building separately. Everyone was rooting for us, but us. We were so good for so long. I’ve never felt before what I felt with you. Can you believe that we were prepared to get married? Sometimes I can’t. Sometimes it’s all I can think of. Impossible to forget, but easy to not acknowledge, like so much of our relationship.
We know each other, better than we do ourselves. We know the buttons to push and what reaction each will have. Sometimes we pushed them just to see that reaction. I don’t know when, but I started to pull away from you. I would catch myself stopping the feelings from flowing freely. I could feel myself getting hurt and I wanted to prevent that. So I stopped myself from feeling what I felt for you. I left you. Twice. I didn’t think I had the strength to do it the first time, and the second…well the second I didn’t think about whether or not I had the strength, I just did.
Love’s not a game. It’s a torturous road and it never ends. I’ll keep falling in love, I’ll keep getting hurt. But, you my dear, are my first real love, were my first real love. You will always be him. Although we hurt right now, and we are hurting each other, I know it will pass. I was so afraid of losing you, and I lost you in the end anyways. It doesn’t matter how careful one is, you just have to love freely and fully. With all your heart and soul, or else it doesn’t matter in the end. The love that was there doesn’t mean a thing unless you meant it while you felt it. I meant it and I’ll mean it every single time I fall in love. Multiple people will feel my love, but they will never get anything less than everything I have to give. It’s how I love, always have and always will. A part of me will always be searching for my best friend again, and for that best friend to turn into my lover and life long partner. For now I wait, hopefully he is searching for me too.
I’ll miss you for many more days to come. And, there will be many more afternoons where I will let the tears flow for you. But, it won’t last forever. The tears will turn into a smile and if I miss you, I’m missing a dear friend. Not my past lover, not my past partner, not the man whom I almost might have married. It’s strength that I’m building up inside of me, not a wall. Strength to love freely as I want, love whoever, how many times over. Strength to help me for when I do get hurt, because I can guarantee it will happen again and probably again and again. And, although I got hurt drastically in this process, I'd do it all again with you. Every cold night in our car, every house we've been through, every thing we've sold. I wouldn't be where I am or know this much about myself without experiencing all of those with you. You'll always be an important part of my life story.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Not Yours
How shut is the door when we keep peeking at each other through the peep hole?
There's someone holding onto my waist,
But, it's not you.
Is that you banging on my door,
Or do I wish it were?
The lock is rusty,
Easier to not turn it shut.
Easier to let you in.
Someone's lips are kissing my neck,
But, they're not yours.
I close my blinds,
I shut you out.
I'm not sure what to do without you.
Look away,
Blink fast,
It's his shoulder I cry on.
Not yours.
But, it's you I'm crying for.
Sometimes I hurt. I don't think about it all the time. I don't want to feel it all the time. There are moments where I get a sincere burst of happiness and a smile washes over my face. It just gets stuck there, sometimes if I'm lucky it'll stay for a good few hours. Tonight it happened. I don't know how or what caused it, but before I know it I'm smiling this goofy grin and giggling up a storm. I feel most happy at those times, especially when I know it's only a rainbow (appears after some water downpour {tears} and then fades quickly). I want to bottle that giddiness up and sell it on the street corner to other people who are hurting. But, that's not possible. So, I just flash a smile their way instead. My one piece of advice to anyone and everyone: SMILE. It does a world of good for them and just as much for yourself. Don't expect one back, or a sincere one at the least. Sometimes people just get busy is all.
There's someone holding onto my waist,
But, it's not you.
Is that you banging on my door,
Or do I wish it were?
The lock is rusty,
Easier to not turn it shut.
Easier to let you in.
Someone's lips are kissing my neck,
But, they're not yours.
I close my blinds,
I shut you out.
I'm not sure what to do without you.
Look away,
Blink fast,
It's his shoulder I cry on.
Not yours.
But, it's you I'm crying for.
Sometimes I hurt. I don't think about it all the time. I don't want to feel it all the time. There are moments where I get a sincere burst of happiness and a smile washes over my face. It just gets stuck there, sometimes if I'm lucky it'll stay for a good few hours. Tonight it happened. I don't know how or what caused it, but before I know it I'm smiling this goofy grin and giggling up a storm. I feel most happy at those times, especially when I know it's only a rainbow (appears after some water downpour {tears} and then fades quickly). I want to bottle that giddiness up and sell it on the street corner to other people who are hurting. But, that's not possible. So, I just flash a smile their way instead. My one piece of advice to anyone and everyone: SMILE. It does a world of good for them and just as much for yourself. Don't expect one back, or a sincere one at the least. Sometimes people just get busy is all.
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