The Blinking Lights

I want to write something. I really do. I've just begun this crazy thing and already I feel as if I'm lying to myself when I don't write a post everyday. And, now I've gone 6 days without typing a single word to you (I imagine a lot of people do read this already). It really is like a public diary; it's so comforting. An awkward idea, I know, but it works for me. I feel you call my bluff and demand better of me. You force my thoughts out. You agonizingly push me forward to reaching my goal. Already, I thank you. One day I hope to have hundreds of followers, but it's not the number of followers that I first was afraid of. It's not about whether or not anyone will read this. My fear comes from the thought of actually working on myself. Of actually doing this and sticking to it.

I am afraid of the Unknown. I yearn for Stability, yet have a tangled romance when it comes to Change. I have an itch to do something different drastically every couple of years. Comes with the territory of being an Army Brat: You always move. So, now that this itch has arrived again I have been thinking about relocating. But, now it's completely different. I don't HAVE to move -living on my own has given me an option finally. And, it's not such an easy option, either. I get slightly terrified at thinking of moving away from what I am familiar with towards something I have no idea about. A secret exciteness runs through me at the same time.



^^This was a draft from when I first started my blog. It's unfinished yet I feel as if it holds as much truth now as it did back then. Just for the heck of it, here it is, in all of it's unfinish-ness.

Penny for your thoughts

Sometimes I don't know what to write. I'll start a sentence and then erase it. I'll draw circles on a pad of paper so much it makes indentations where the pen has left its mark. I always want a specific subject to write about. But, how do you choose just one when you have at least 10 making waves in your head? This post won't have any specific direction to it, it won't have a beginning and an ending already thought out, it won't have a lesson to be learned or a specific story to the plot, it'll just be me writing. Because that's what I love to do, whether it's typing on the computer or writing in my journal. There's something I love about having a pen in my hand and putting it to untouched paper. Watching hour after hour fly by as page after page gets filled with my thoughts, wants, needs, desires, anecdotes, and poems. Writing is something I enjoy immensely and it's something that someone reminded me of today. They reminded me how much I love to write, even if no one reads this, it's out there and I've done it. I need to be doing more stuff that I enjoy I think. There's this rut that I've fallen into lately, and I'm not quiet sure how to get out of it. In a previous post I stated that usually when I get into this rut I will cut my hair. I've done that now on two separate occasions. If I do it again, will it not just be a continuance of the cycle that I am trying so desperately to break out of right now? Or will it do what I want it to do? Renew me. Almost like starting over. It's how I always feel after a haircut. I just need to do something out of my norm. Which has turned into doing nothing but going to work and coming home. Back to work and then walking over the bridge, buds in my ears, cigarette in my hand, foot in front of the other, walking back home.

I talk about taking a vacation someplace. San Francisco, Hawaii, Portland, even home to Yelm. But, I never go. Being a workaholic as well as a diligent money worrier I won't take time off of work. I don't see the use in it. Although, on days like this I wish I would more often. Maybe if I took time to do things for myself I wouldn't fall into this rut so often. I wouldn't feel as if a drastic change was in need for me to feel good again. Feel new. Rejuvenated. Refreshed. Energetic. Even happy again. Now that's not to say I'm not happy. These past two months especially there has been a change in my life that has made me so very happy. I'm flushed and brightened with the thought of him each day. But, I've learned not to make somebody my sole purpose for living, so he alone cannot bring me full happiness. That I know I need to be able to do by myself, on my own. When I'm alone especially. There's not a lot of days that I'm left alone, so I usually don't have to worry about that. But, what happens when I am left alone? I see all my faults and I see all that I want to do, all that I probably should be doing. Maybe I'm too hard on myself, but I rather be too hard and strive for what I want than be too easy and think it's okay to just not go after something. Something like going back to school. I can't say exactly what is holding me back, but I get as close as to speaking with a counselor and then I think about money and will I have time?, or what degree do I want to go for?, or will I slip into debt and not even finish? I guess all of those could be considered reasons why I shy away after that first initial phone call to a counselor. I want it, I want it so badly, I just can't go after it. I am holding myself back with my fears. My over thinking abilities are definitely NOT a good addition in this case. When I over think, I over analyze and most often I have a tendency to freak myself out of a situation. Out of doing this or that. I'll end up doing it eventually and look back and think about how silly I was to freak out for it. I can definitely have many moments like that.

I feel lighter after writing this. That's what writing does for me, it lets me literally give away some of my thoughts. I wouldn't say my head feels more clear or that I have a definitive thought now, the thoughts have just grown lighter and faded a little bit. Sometimes that's all I need in order to make it through the rest of the night. Tomorrow, however, is another day.

DO or DO NOT, there is no try.

During high school I had a couple of teachers whom have really influenced me on my decisions during this journey of finding who I am. Mrs. Albert, who was my English teacher Sophomore year as well as my Film as Lit teacher my Senior year. She was an amazing woman, so compassionate, yet hard in the classroom. She knew a kids potential and she pushed them to achieve said potential. I owe a lot of my great essays to her skills in teaching. I also owe a lot of gratitude to her for allowing me to break down during class more than once, Sophomore year was a tough one for me. But, I definitely learned more in her class than just how to write a kick ass essay. I learned how to read beyond what was being simply said and to look around me and others. I definitely look up to that woman. 

Mr. Hamblin was another English teacher I looked up to. Specifically, he taught my Mythology class. I enjoyed his teaching style and himself as a human being, not just as a teacher. He's a big goof and really passionate about Sci-Fi things and is OBSESSED with Star Wars. I wasn't much of a fan, but I warmed up a bit seeing as it was the easiest way to relate with Mr. Hamblin. 

When it came time to graduate I had both of these mentors sign my yearbook. Mrs. Albert wrote something sweet and sentimental as was always her style. And, Mr. Hamblin wrote what I knew would be some reference to Star Wars. He wrote one of Yoda's most famous sayings: "DO or DO NOT, there is no try". From a fictional  character to the pen of a high school teacher, I have been given the most important piece of advice of my life. Whatever I do, wherever I am doing it, it always is there with me. Whenever I find myself using the phrase "I can try" I always think of what Mr. Hamblin wrote and think "I'm not going to just try, I'm going to DO. Whether or not I succeed will come afterwards, but at least I DID". 

I write about this because I am thinking about going back to school. Actually starting college and moving onto that next significant step in my life. I had the chance to go to college right out of high school, but I didn't. I decided to move up to Seattle and start working. It turned out to be a great idea for me because I got into an industry that I have absolutely fallen in love with and it's made me change my mind and go in a completely different direction with college than I would have gone if I had just jumped right into it. Now to say that I would have changed my mind if I had gone straight to college would be an assumption, I don't know if I would have changed it, it really depends on whether or not I would have been exposed to the Hospitality Industry during that time. Being exposed to the Hospitality Industry at such a young age, before college, was what changed my mind from going into a career of Teaching to going into a career of Guest Satisfaction. I am a Front Desk Agent, I work to make others happy, and in the end that makes me happy. Seeing the smile on a guests face when I upgrade them for their anniversary, or just simply seeing their refreshed face the next morning after what I knew was a long day of traveling the day before. I'll even wish them luck on a job interview and ask for an update upon their return- It's the little things that count and make their stay something more special than just coming into town for a job interview. 

I'm passionate about what I do, about everything that I do really. But, about my work specifically. I want to move up in the Hospitality Industry, granted if I move up I won't be working directly with the guests all the time anymore, but I'll be helping on a larger scale. I would like to be in Sales, I've concluded. Eventually my BIG goal is to be GM. General Manager Mylisha Lanegan. Has a good ring to it, don't you think? ;) I do. And, I also know that to get there one day I'm going to need a degree to back me up, if one a few degrees. So, I'm getting started on my college career. 

Honestly I am scared. Scared of failing, scared of changing my mind even! I've found work that I love and you know what they say, "Find something you love to do and you'll never have to work a day in your life". I love making others happy, it's perfect for me! I don't want to start college having one dream and then have it turn into something else and realizing that I wasted probably months, if not years focusing on one idea, just to find out that I in fact want something different. It's disappointing to me, I realize. I want to have a plan, and start in on that plan, and follow through with that plan. Not attempt that plan and then change it. But, I have to at least try in order to even get started. I have to do more than TRY, I have to just DO. Just start it and run with it. Whether or not I change my dream, well....whatever happens happens. I believe it all happens for a reason. 

Even as I write this I am shaking because I'm scared. There are so many factors and "What ifs" running around inside my head that want to keep me back from achieving my goal, from reaching my dream. I have to do more than just try. Just trying isn't good enough, not in my book. If I fail at least I can say I did it in the first place. Doing it is so much more than trying it. I'm committed if I'm doing it, and believe me, when I commit to something, I don't fail.

DO or DO NOT, there is no try.