I've made some decisions in my life that I am not proud of. I've done some things that I should have done differently. In the process many people have gotten hurt, including myself. I have a twisted and jaded view of myself. On a logical level, I know that people love me and that I am surrounded by them. For some reason, on another level, my depression has taken over and tells me that I am alone and no one that is around me is worth counting on. Everyone will let me down. They always do. They always have. That's the way I see it. I used to think that I have low expectations, or even none at all! Because as someone has told me "Expectations lead to Resentments". So, I don't have them. Everyone will let you down if you do. What I've discovered is that I don't have low expectations; quite the opposite actually. I have very high expectations that everyone will let me down. Already everyone who encounters me is set up to fail. When they let me down it just furthers my belief and those thoughts. If it doesn't happen right away, I'll just wait it out, because they always do, eventually. Those thoughts that swim in my mind are constantly battling with the fact that when I've asked for help, there has been someone to help me. I wish I didn't think like this. I wish I didn't feel alone. I'm working on it. It helps having people around that care. And, are willing to stick around and show me that my thoughts are not right.
I've always been afraid of being alone. My parents divorced when I was 2 and then my father remarried just after. She raised me for 14 years, up until my father's second divorce. I've seen this disgusting "D" word happen all around me. Divorce is so common in America these days, just the thought of getting married terrifies me because I don't want to go down that path of Divorce. I don't want to get married just to have it end in Divorce. I've seen what it does to people. It turns them nasty and makes them say things that never should have crossed their minds. People of Divorce are not themselves, they transform into a mean person. I've seen it happen too often.
Being alone is not such a bad thing. Yet, I don't want it. Not even in the slightest. I don't think anyone wants it. You're alone with your insecurities and your defenseless. Using work as a get away from what can be my emotional destruction is perfect. But, that's only for 8 hours. Then, I must face, at least for some time, what Life there is. I'd rather not. Waking up, realizing that I still feel this shitty and this alone, is the worst way to wake up. It's the first thing I feel every day. But, then I saw this video. And, it changed something. It changed how I thought about being alone. Don't get me wrong, I still am terrified of it. But, I am also learning to embrace it. As I write this Daniel (my boyfriend) is sleeping next to me. I'm ok with that. I like that it's quiet and I can think and write and feel my feelings. When no one is around is when I can break. It is a kind of comfort that lets me let go. So, why not further that? Use it as a comfort that helps me heal.
It's ok to be alone. You'll find it's comfort. It's willingness to let you break down and cry for hours, or to put on music and just dance! You'll find it with open ears to listen to talk about annoying people at work, or something as deep as not wanting to feel anything anymore. Don't think of it as suffocating you, think of it as warmly surrounding you. This video changed how I saw Alone. Alone does not really mean Alone.
Her voice is soothing. Her words calming. I'll have to do more research onto who she is. But, now I share this with anyone who feels Alone. It's ok. You're not. And, if you truly believe that you are, this video might change that for you.
