Hello, again.

I don't know how to get out all the feelings that I have, all the thoughts swimming around inside my head. Honestly, I've started this post at least 5 or 6 times already. I know I need to start writing again, I know how cathartic it is and how healing it can be. I could use some healing. I've been broken for a long time it feels like. Fighting a battle that I don't know how to win, partially because I don't even know exactly what battle it is that I am fighting. I just know that it is there, I can feel it. It started out with heartbreak- the worst I've ever had it. My biggest downfall is loving with no restraints. I'll give you everything because that's how I want to love and be loved, I just never expect to not get that in return. I mean, really, after all the times I've fallen in love and with every single one not working out, you'd think I would have learned by now, right? WRONG. Maybe that's a good thing? That I always love without boundaries, restraints, limits. But, it's not the safest. I allow myself to get hurt because of this. 

Rereading my past posts, the main theme I have found is that they are all mostly about love and heartbreak- my love and heartbreaks. I think that's because love is the only thing that I truly believe in. Funny, since it's also the hardest thing to believe in. If you ask me how many times I've been in love I would say with confidence "Four times", but if you asked me how many times I've had my heart broken? Well, it's a lot more than four. Yet, no matter how many times I feel that crushing weight of a relationship coming to an end or the shattering of my heart as someone walks out of my life- I always go back for more. 

I don't think I am healed yet from my last heartbreak. I still think about what might have been. Thanksgiving this year was bittersweet for I kept remembering how it was last year, with him. Earlier today I said that that was one of the last truly good times I could remember of us together. But, if I am being honest, (which really why shouldn't I be at this point?) it wasn't all good. I could feel something had changed, shifted, pulled away. I was already fighting for his attention and begging for more affection. I ignored the fact that he wouldn't hold my hand and I pretended to be oblivious to the texts he got from her. We went on like this for months, past Christmas, past New Year's, past the Summer, until I couldn't take it anymore. He chose someone that was easier and less emotionally attached. He chose work over and over instead of us. He didn't choose me. He forgot about me. He left me. Not physically, but in every single way that mattered, he left me. Even when I walked away myself he still never did what needed to be done to get me back. I should have known that he'd never choose me, but I kept trying. I kept hoping. I kept wanting. I kept loving. I kept breaking. He really fucked me up.